My last few posts have all started out the same way - me apologizing for my sporadic blogging. This became apparent to me only after my beautiful fiancé, Heidi, pointed it out to me during a recent visit she made down to South Carolina. Thus, per her request, I will stop apologizing for said "sporadic blogging". You see, I have a very good and understandable reason as to why my posts have been few and far between recently.
On top of picking up and moving my life down to Greenwood, SC, the past year has proven to hold a number of stand-alone moments. One for instance is one that I've written about most recently. My engagement to the ever-lovely and all-loving Heidi Logan.
Our engagement has been one that has had it's share of ups and downs - mainly due to the whole long-distance issue. However, it has been full of even more moments of encouragement and joy. In case you don't already follow me on Instagram, please head on over and give me a "follow" - @phizkhalifa. On there you will find that I have been posting a photo everyday in an effort to countdown the final 100 days of our engagement. And just the other day, I reached "50", and boy has the number "50" never looked so good!
The photo itself was nothing special - an image of a brochure I was working on - but I couldn't help but take a moment and stare at that number for a brief second. So much emotion had filled the previous 50 days and I was overwhelmed with all that would be held within the following 50. Thoughts rushed into my mind of "Am I ready?", "Have I done everything I need to do?", "Will I be a good husband?". These fears are ones that plague me often, and yet I am reminded of Philippians 2:3 that states, "for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose." God is working in me, preparing me to be exactly who He knows me to be. All I have to do is follow and obey.
I am so blessed to have spent the past 50+ days engaged to a woman who strives daily in her personal relationship with the Lord, all while encouraging me in my own. And I expectantly look ahead as we draw closer to beginning our lives together and build our marriage on a firm foundation.
It's been over a month since my last post, in which I spoke of my engagement to Heidi and my views of our upcoming marriage. And while my excitement grows daily, I would not be honest if I wasn't forthcoming with all the messiness.
If you're reading this and you're married, you probably remember what I'm talking about. If you're reading this and you're currently engaged, you probably relate and my hope is that you'll find that you're not in this alone. And lastly, if you're reading this and you're thinking about getting married...
RUN!
I'm obviously joking, and couldn't recommend it more! This time between dating and marriage has been one filled with individual growth, exciting conversations, in-depth discussions on topics ranging from children to throw pillows (registering has been my favorite part, so far). Our nightly talks have seen a mixture of laughter and tears, happiness and anger. Yet, in the middle of choosing dresses and tuxedoes, we have managed to find stillness in the One who brought us together. I cannot speak for Heidi, and I won't attempt to. So, for now, I will briefly share my learnings from the past few months.
For the past couple weeks, it has seemed, to me, that our conversations have consisted of disagreements. I have felt discouraged and, at times, overwhelmed. And when I feel like I am approaching the edge of my wit, I am drawn in to my Father's voice.
As I was driving to Virginia a couple weeks ago, I sat singing along to my iPod. As the song I was belting out ended, a new song began. Now, it may not sound manly, but get over it. The music that filled my Jeep was the song that I have sang to Heidi on countless occasions. "Hold On" by Michael Bublé has become a theme song for our relationship. It's gotten us through tough times and has inspired numerous spontaneous slow dances in the living room.
As I heard the song for the umpteenth time, I was reminded of the girl who stole my heart and hasn't let go. I was reminded that despite our disagreements and frustrations, this woman has voluntarily agreed to do life with me. And I was reminded of something else. I was reminded of my Father's love. I was reminded of His abundant grace and steadfast presence. How, despite my frustration with Him, He has ahold of my heart and will never let go.
I mean, come on people! That's extraordinary! It's so awesome that in the midst of our seemingly chaotic lives, we can find calmness in the Creator. I am humbled, even now, as I look at how richly my life has been blessed. I push on, happily and excitedly, through the chaos. Because I acknowledge the gift of that mayhem in my life. And I look expectantly into the future as our marriage draws closer, knowing that the speed bumps and disarray are all blessings!
Most of you know, and for those of you who must live under a rock listen up, but.... I'M ENGAGED!
Sixteen months ago, a beautiful, passionate woman came into my life and turned it all upside down. Heidi Logan, a kindergarten teacher I met through my work with Harrisonburg High School's Fine Arts department, is unlike anyone I've been blessed enough to know. We’ve guided our way through the highs and lows of relationships. We’ve staggered and struggled. We’ve cried, laughed, bickered, and smiled. We’ve supported one another in each of our endeavors. We’ve ran together, stuffed our faces with chicken baskets together, and sang at the tops of our lungs together. We've tackled road trips together, family vacations, and at times have been down-right annoyed with one another. We've danced in the living room, and respected one another. We’ve journeyed through this past year and ultimately, every day, chosen to grow in love with each other.
And when Heidi answered "Yes" to my proposal, I immediately became that timeless cliché - a knight in shining armor. The fact of that matter is that as soon as this beautiful woman I cherish became the fiancé I promise to cherish and honor till death do us part, my responsibility changed from taking care of myself, to protecting her.
I love the way John Eldredge puts it in his book, Wild At Heart:
"There is nothing more inspiring to a man as a beautiful woman. She'll make you want to charge the castle, slay the giant, leap across parapets."
It is a desired burnt deep inside a man. A desire, a need, to not just fight, but to have someone to fight for. And with Heidi, I've found my greatest reason to fight the battle and have set out on my greatest adventure.
Now, Heidi and I aren't married yet, and I cannot sit here and say that we have it all figured out. But I do know that we are learning! In our daily devotions and conversations, we learn more about one another and, ultimately, about our relationship - the good, the bad and the ugly aspects.
Marriage is a commitment – a promise – to God that you vow to love someone like Christ first loved us. In the most intimate, demanding, all-encompassing way. A vow to serve them and unselfishly love them as Christ served and unselfishly loved us. To carry their troubles. To take the blows of their shortcomings. To bear the mocking of their sins and struggles. To put their well-being ahead of your own to the point of brokenness, so that we can ultimately rise in love. We do this in hopes of obtaining a greater understanding of the magnitude of the Gospel and a greater appreciation for the power of what Jesus did on our behalf.
I was reminded a few days ago by our Senior Pastor at the church I work at, that marriage is a small, intimate reflection of God's love for us. It is His gift to us. And that it is something that should never be taken lightly. Marriage is the promise to accept someone and love them like God loves us, everyday.
I am excited about marrying Heidi. She is God's precious gift to me. She is the fair maiden locked away in a tower. She is my damsel in distress. And I get to be the man fighting for her honor. (Sometimes I picture myself as Shrek going to rescue Princess Fiona.)
We are not perfect people. We fail daily. But we are both committed to following a PERFECT God who showed us the perfect example of how to love.
It is mind-boggling, to me, that God would allow me – dramatic, rude, baggage-carrying, selfish me – to have the honor and privilege of loving and caring for His beautiful gift, Heidi. I know that the moment I start believing that I’m capable of selflessly and unconditionally loving her, I will fail. But it brings me so much joy and excitement to know that I don’t have to go at it alone.
